Maybe I’m Benjamin Buttoning. (Making that reference dates me. The fact that I’m pretty sure I’m repeating a joke I think I’ve already made on this blog and don’t care is also proof of my age.)
It only just occurred to me that reverse Benjamin Buttoning is just normal aging.
I have neither read nor seen The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
I find myself craving inspiration in the form of people sharing their stories with humility. I’m over gurus and authorities.
I long for stories of vulnerability and authenticity.
I miss distant friends.
Yesterday I found out that my thyroid is out of whack again. I’m trying to remember everything I learned before, not just about how to heal, but also how to cope.
I feel despair often, but then there’s this:
My kid is giggling in the tub right now and there’s no better sound in the world.
Write as well as you can, with as much heart as you can, whenever you can.
It was beautiful and I hope to do it again.
I can’t remember any of them.
Breastfeeding is a funny thing; it basically takes whatever you knew about your hormones – whether they were affected by PCOS or not – and makes all of that invalid. Now your estrogen is suppressed, you’re producing prolactin, and when it comes to menstruation, all bets are off. So you might, for example, find yourself having your period for 4 or 5 weeks in a row, then not for a week, then again for several more days.
Which might, purely hypothetically speaking, leave you feeling fatigued, lightheaded, and with a sensation of pins-and-needles in your feet.
Perhaps from anemia.
I have, in fact, found myself in this situation, and I have seen my doctor, and she has assured me that yes, this is probably related to breastfeeding, and we’re doing blood tests to figure out next steps in fixing my symptoms, even if the menstrual wonkiness persists. So I’m doing what I can, medically.
But let’s say she puts me on an iron supplement tomorrow. (Likely.)
It’s still going to take some time to feel better. And I don’t know what to do in the meantime, because I can’t just retreat from life.