“…embodied writing is not in opposition to political writing. In fact, it is the kind of political writing that I am most interested in reading.” Melissa Febos, Body Work 💬
Reply to Meg Pillow's This Is Not the Essay I Meant to Write
I have a craft essay about writing into uncertainty, contradiction, and grief in the new issue of @PhoebeJournal today. This one means a lot to me - it's part of a larger project I'm working on on uncertainty. I'd love it if you'd read it. https://t.co/gPML7tLRBg
— Meg Pillow (@megpillow) May 16, 2022
I saved this and waited 10 days to read it, which meant I read it exactly when I needed it. The phrase “the aesthetic of uncertainty” is something I sorely need. At the beginning of the year, I decided my phrase for at least the quarter would be “Embrace radical uncertainty.”
At the time, I chose this because as a caregiver and person living with chronic illness, it was something I needed to do to not constantly fight life. On 1/18 (my sister’s 36th birthday), my mom went to the ER & they found all her blood counts were low.
They diagnosed her with acute lymphoblastic leukemia and began putting a treatment plan in place. With the treatment plan in place, followed by the chemo putting her into remission, it seemed the path forward was clear.
The day after she was discharged from the initial chemo, she had a cardiac event. Then she suffered from a bout of colitis. Another cardiac event. Then muscle weakness such that she would fall and be unable to get up.
It felt like each week brought a new complication or side effect. This Wednesday, I took my 5 yo son to visit her, and learned that between preexisting spinal problems and chemo side effects, she is now paraplegic.
I live in a constant vacillation between hope and anxiety, optimistic each time a problem is actually identified and an intervention developed, riddled with anxiety each time a new problem appears.
All of this is to say: I really needed this piece. I thank you for writing it. I’m glad I waited to read it. I’m saving it to read again next time I need it. And maybe soon I’ll write something.
How do none of the early results in a Google Images search for Star Trek Bingo have something like “mysterious pathogen takes down whole crew” on them? It happened twice in season 1 of TNG & we got it in episode 2 of SNW. (It’s one of my favorite Trek tropes.) 🖖🏻📺
Mood update: the leaden feeling in my heart has been joined by a similar feeling in my stomach.
“As we honor the lives that have been given, let us also be grateful to be still on the journey.” “The enemy doesn’t care about my feelings, Captain, so I don’t waste my time having any.”
Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, “Memento Mori” 🖖🏻💬
The Michigan Coalition to Prevent Gun Violence has a really useful letter template for writing to congresspeople.
I don’t have the oomph to discuss this at length but my dad wrote a good journal entry for CaringBridge about the most recent impact of chemo on my mom. My heart is leaden today. At least there’s adaptive technology for sewing without using your feet.
I can’t neglect the world & focus on my child, because my child is in & of the world. I’m overwhelmed by the sheer number of existential threats he faces even as I know he is playing life on easy mode. I struggle with where to begin to take action.
Self-soothing by typesetting my 9 year old New Girl fanfic and it actually looks like a book.
The world is very dismal and I am heartbroken, but my husband is on a meeting talking to people about how he was in A Midsummer Night’s Dream twice. I really love him very much.